Blog #2: Neglect, Abandonment & How Trauma Actually Happens
One of the pains of trauma rooted in childhood is the child being deprived of healthy love, care, attention, security and affection from their parents and other primary caregivers. In the absence of such, the child experiences insecurities, neglect and abandonment. The primal years when children need most the experiences of healthy dependency and appropriate boundaries with their caregivers turn into years of uncertainties and deprivation leading to an ongoing and unhealthy search for the emotional bonds they lack. This leads them into one codependent relationship after another.
And because the proper love and care were not unconditionally given, the child tends to use their actions as means to acquire the love and attention they need. Some become the high achieving child; some the rebellious child; some the docile child; and all the possible variations behaviors can take, including flip flopping from one to the other to achieve their objective. This becomes its own problematic and insidious cycle. Over time, we become restless performing machines using our words and actions as manipulative tools to achieve our long-standing unfulfilled desires. Sometimes we do it unconsciously. Sometimes we do it consciously.
Yet, no matter how much effort we exert or how much attention or accolades we achieve, deep down, the wound continues unabated. We feel further and further alienated from ourselves. We think maybe it’s because we haven’t tried hard enough or haven’t achieved enough. And the cycle continues with more force and determination. We try until we become weary and sick. There is much science proving that what happens emotionally shows up physiologically.
Fortunately, the solution is nowhere else to be found except inside of us. You see, trauma occurs not from “what happened to us.” In other words, it is not the event or events that happened. If that were the case, we would be forever victimized by it. The event(s) have already happened. We can’t wish it were different so we can feel better about ourselves. Many of us unconsciously wish this, and thus remain wounded, victimized, and disempowered.
If not from the actual event, how does trauma happen? Trauma occurs from what happened inside of us relative to the event. In other words, it’s our perception and interpretation of the events that produce or don’t produce trauma. That’s why within the same family, different children can have different outcomes based on their own interpretations of the experiences. This is actually really good news. It means there’s something we can do about our trauma and effect the change we want to achieve. While we can’t change the actual event, we can look within ourselves to better understand our past and bring about our own healing. That’s why I say, pain is the portal. Our pain is our own opportunity to grow beyond our perceived limitations, disappointments and pains. Healing is truly an inside job. Our truth, power and authenticity come from within.
I am conducting research and am looking to converse with hard working, smart, capable, caring and sacrificing women who have been the victims of physical, mental and/or emotional abuse who are now in codependent relationships feeling lost, doubtful, frustrated, stuck, unfulfilled, tired and defeated because they keep coming up against similar issues over and over again, and are now ready to stop letting others’ disappointing behaviors further hurt and traumatize them. If you relate to any of this, it would mean the world to me if we could hop on a quick call and I could ask you a few questions. Or if you know of someone who fits this description, please share this blog with them or introduce me. Thanks in advance for your time. Here’s the link to schedule your appointment. [calendar link]
Finally, I would love to hear your thoughts about what I’ve shared here. If you agree, a simple “Yes! Yes!” will do. If you have a favorite sentence or section, I’d love to know what it is. And of course, your own personal thoughts are appreciated to continue the dialogue to help us all learn, grow and heal. ♥
